Insecurity and Intimacy

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 1but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:8-13

There is something about marriage that makes me feel like such a little child.
As an adult I have always strove to be rationale, gentle, a problem solver, for Nate and I the strangest part of being married is to have your messiness spill over onto one another.

And now living so close to this wonderful man I feel like I am opening doors in myself that I have never seen before. I wander in an look around amazed and astounded, I never knew this was here, what do I do with it? Where did it come from? As I struggle with the words, I am suddenly an adolescent choking to find the words that match the emotions. There is nothing pretty or elegant in my words, instead they seem to jab, and poke. I hear myself in horror, the words flop around and sound like attacks on the one I love.
Not long ago deep in prayer I was confessing how undone I felt to God and like a window opening in the back of my mind the explanation was divinely dropped into my reality. These are new places in our souls and my floundering is simply immaturity.
God I don’t want to be immature with my husband, I respect him, I love him, immaturity seems so selfish? But have you ever been here before? Do you have any real experience to draw from? The opposite of mature is immature; you are immature simply because of the newness of your state.
But in my immaturity I seem to be so reckless as I grope for the words, I am afraid I will cause hurt as I try to decipher this new language. To discover what is going on in my soul I am thrashing around and it comes out like complaining, like I am pushing him away when I am truly just trying to totter forward, to understand where we are and where we are going?

This is beautiful and precious even as you grow. Your responsibility is not to be perfect the first time intimacy does not come from perfection, but from trust, growth, together, next to each other. Love wouldn’t be so amazing if it wasn’t poured out over our ruff patches, if it wasn’t given freely, if it didn’t risk all. The strength of love is found in the journey, someone next to you refusing to let go, someone who wants to be there for you when you’re weak, who desires to see you live and thrive but doesn’t demand performance. In life you are adults but in love you are still youths and your commitment to each other is being cemented through the wild storms of your springtime and will build the foundations for your life together.