Identity Crisis

Yesterday I made my own coffee, and went to work in my pajamas. It was my first day home as an official author. Angel, my four year old Yorkie, seemed quite content with this new set-up. After all she’d been with me since my first at-home office. I had promised myself that I would never work out of my home again unless two things were different. 1. I was doing something creative. 2. That I had a family, you can’t imagine how lonely it can get when you spend twelve hours a day by yourself only interacting with co-workers virtually.
I am still attempting to find a routine for myself, I enjoy working in the mornings and have a list of other house hold work that is also mounting. Yesterday after I had exhausted my brain capacity for words I set myself to cleaning out the refrigerator. Between Nate and I both working crazy hours, never fully feeling moved in and the onset of morning/all the time sickness, especially whenever I enter the kitchen, you can imagine how neglected and over grown our fridge had become. I was sure that something would grab me and suck me in. I considered taking a bat with me incase anything had truly become animated and developed a personality. By the time I had cleaned the kitchen, found something left in the fridge that could still me made into dinner and jumped in the shower it hit me:
A line from one of those fifties housewife manuals kept going through my head about having dinner on the table and looking nice for your husband when he got home.
Its very confusing to be a be a modern woman. I love the fact that I can have all the little details around the house done so I can just enjoy my time with my husband. But at the same time I am so thankful for my writing that doesn’t make me just a housewife. Isn’t that awful? What is wrong with being a housewife? Nothing, except that I seem to have this internal stigma that I picked up somewhere, it seems like a loosing battle, when I was working I was torn because of everything nurturing and feminine that I didn’t have time to do for my home and family. This is just an observation, not a complaint. I think every woman needs to pursue what is right for her and her family. But I do think society has handed us all sorts of mixed messages. I can’t wait to be a mom and I am not ashamed of my new life, I just need to get comfortable in my new skin.

My favorite part of my day is the morning when I can spend time with the Lord and search for inspiration. Having time to myself allows me to pursue the Lord in creative ways. This has been a breath of fresh air in my spiritual walk, searching out ways to worship on my own that are true to how God created me and not just borrowing from what others say is Godly (not to deny that they are Godly pursuits.) Then I hope to end the day with tackling a tangible part of the house. I guess nesting is kicking in hard core. But I must admit Nate and I have been still been holding on to some of our college life-style and have plenty to do before we become parents.
I am attempting to do everything at once but my first focus is of course getting my manuscript back to the publishers with 13 days and counting. It’s like taking a master’s level course and I get to revamp the work I have done digging deeper to find my own voice. Daily, I am listening to great writers Lewis, Tolstoy, and more modern equivalents. I can’t describe what an honor it is to study the same craft and attempt to create something that is God glorifying.