Friday, October 12, 2007

Great Rants By Mere Kay!

My little brother's girlfriend Meredith-living it up in Austraila! Love her spirit and her fashion advice! Had to share this witty rant--b/c I love her spirit! Also learned a new word--BoGoN???

all right, australia. that's it. i've had it with your weird fashion. let me clarify.
there is no such thing as a trendy mullet. a mullet is a mullet is a mullet. if your hair is significantly longer in the back than it is in the front, it's a mullet. if your hair is one style the whole way around except for three square inches at the back of your neck which is at least five inches longer, it is a mullet. if your hair is one length all the way around except for one square inch at the back of your neck, that is a rat tail. you think it's attractive because one of these pieces of hair flows when you walk. hate to be the one to tell you, but these are not attractive hairstyles. you may not think they're bogan because you're wearing skinny jeans four sizes too small, vans slip ons and a band t-shirt, but i assure you: they are bogan. they are bogan and unattractive. they are bogan and unattractive and i should carry scissors in my back pocket to do you the favor of cutting it off. also, dying your dark hair bleach blond down the middle on top of your mullet is adding insult to injury. take my word on this. if the look your going for is metro skunk, by all means. go for it. all the little girl skunks will flock to you. let me go on. apparently, some boys are of the mindset that it's okay to take an emo-slanty haircut, sleep in it, and decide upon waking, "no, this isn't messy enough." they then go forward to apply and entire beehive worth of styling wax in order to get it at it's tangly best. again, stop it. rolling out of bed is really all you need. if that. in fact, wash the poor creature attached to your skull, and let it just go. see what philosophy is that if it leaves you and doesn't come back it wasn't meant to be.i mentioned those pants. they need to be clarified as well. i am not interested in your underwear. no, really. i'm not. it is one thing to have extra baggy pants that do not stay on your body. it is another to have girl's skinny jeans that do not fit your body reach only halfway up your butt. it is wrong--not different, not interesting, not hardcore OR trendy, but wrong--to have your upper thighs showing when you bend over. i don't care if your shirt covers it when you stand up. it does not cover it when you sit down. again, if i were interested in your undies, i'd ask. i did not ask. so take care of it. all australian men. all men. everywhere. leave the scoop necks to the ladies or to outdoor work. it is not a style. and ladies, you are far from exempt. despite what you may think, it is possible to overwear the dress over black leggings and black long-sleeved shirt. that style has jumped the shark. officially. really. move forward.on a related note, if your dress or top or dresstop--as the line is blurred nowadays--has a gather under the bust and your abdomen is not built like a model, check and double check that you do not appear to be wearing maternity clothes. in fact, check and double check that it is actually flattering you and not making a problem area worse. also on a related note, consider pants. ooh, consider those pants. there is such a thing as too short and when what you think is a dresstop is actually just a top. remember: leggings and tights are not pants. they cover your legs, sure, but they are not pants. on a related note: this is not 1983. leggings plus oversized t-shirt that may or may not read "global warming is not cool" with a belt is not an outfit. please, please, please. would you just consider the pants?and this, this is the end-all be-all of fashion related rants i will ever have and i wouldn't make it if it hadn't been sitting near me for the last half hour. in fact, if i were reading that this actually happened, i would not believe you. i will try to get a photo if i can.but, my dear lady, you may not, repeat, MAY NOT wear an oversized flannel shirt as a dress. i don't care that you've got a belt cinching it in at your waist. it is not relevant that it is actually big enough to cover all the important things. no. not relevant. the principle of the thing is important here: you may not wear a shirt on its own as a dress. it would actually be really cute for putzing around the house in, and heck, at some point in time i hope i get the opportunity to do so. but do not, by any means, think it's okay to put on a pair of ballet flats and walk out the door. i'm sorry. i haven't had enough sleep and flannel-shirtdress girl put me over the edge.


merey kay said...

i don't know if i've said this yet, but i am so surprised and happy to see this reposted here! it completely and utterly made my day.
and, so you too can feel like you're "in" with aussie lingo, "bogan" is essentially a redneck. application of bogan-ness varies a little bit from his stateside counterpart, but on the whole, full-on redneck.
another aspect of aussie lingo is the phrase formula, "(adjective) + as". it's an unfinished simile that sounds really weird the first few times i heard or used it, but it has really grown on me--partially in thanks to its phonetic suggestions. favorites include: weird as, bad as, sweet as, cool as, etc. used in context: "that's it, australia. i've had it with your weird as fashion."

thanks for the props! i hope i will someday learn to write uplifting things with the same sort of repostabliity, but in the meantime i'm fine with this! much love.

merey kay said...

also, funny story:
in the picture you've reposted of me i am COMMITTING one of the fashion faux pas i decried: minidress with long sleeved black tee underneath. there would have been leggings if i had not been covering a swimsuit.
HA. i guess i should take the plank out of my own eye.


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