Saturday, November 07, 2009

Dark Day's of Motherhood

Friday was a bad day as my family's learned to call it. Fibromyalgia strikes again. This time though something is different. This past year I began praying for God to help me with my health. Although, I've been battling with fibro symptoms for over fifteen years in numerous forms, I'd never specifically asked the Lord for help. Until being Sophia's mother brought to light just how sick I'd become. The chronic, ongoing, fatigue's become crippling. Hearing your toddler crying --No mommy don't lie down again. Pounded me with another kind of pain unlike anything I'd felt before. The inability to engage, my beautiful little girl, day in and day out.

Nate's flexible schedules brought another voyeur into my difficult days. I'm eternally thankful for the kindness and grace my husband and my family have extended to me. But it made me see just how private my pains become.
You're not supposed to see this. I'd joke, at his concern over the groggy, somberness that no amount of coffee can kick. Think of it as trying to go to work with the flu, or a persistent hangover. Personally, I feel like I've got molasses running through my veins. My whole body is running sluggish and the engine in my brain just won't turn over.

This has been my life, until recently. A culmination of health choices & answered prayer, my family has witnessed a reanimated mom, sister, daughter, wife. Maybe that's why the blog's been a little quiet. I have so much more energy and so much to do!

It's been odd--to be on the other side of the looking glass. I keep thinking--is this how everyone else feels??? No wonder I never got anything done! The other day I spent all morning at play group, then took Sophia to the library and THEN went grocery shopping!!! All in one afternoon. The other day, in early morning conversation with my mom I moved to help her make a bed. She stepped back startled. "You don't want to crawl into it?" She asked trying to play down her amazement. It's been the little things that have helped me see how life is changing. (Hopefully, it's not just a flash in the pan.)

This Friday helped me see just how bad, my bad days had gotten. Instead of being the norm this was the anomaly. Every little thing about the day was difficult, like I couldn't stay ahead of her. She'd get upset and I couldn't think fast enough to discipline or redirect. The stiffness, flu like symptoms, frustration all add up. I could see just how debilitated I could be--for my little girl. Most days I can stay ahead of her, coaching, modeling, creating a structure that would help curb the frustration for both of us.

In the midst of a terrible day, I've got much to be thankful for. My amazing family that gives me support & grace. My little girl who's never stopped loving mommy no matter how tough the day's get. My faith for reminding me that God really does care about my health & body. And especially for good days!

1 comment:

Annika said...

I'm so sorry Friday was so hard. It really does make the good days that much better, huh? I certainly don't have fibromyalgia, but I often tell Eric how thankful I am for good days with the kids after especially difficult ones. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this ongoing health issue, but I'm so glad to know that you've experienced more good than bad lately! And that you have such an amazing family behind you! We love you. I'll pray for you this week, friend. Hang in there.


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