Rain Rain Go Away. . . .

Wednesday morning rain washes over me with wonder. In days past rain immediately signified a long, bad day. As if my soul was weeping from the outside in. Today, I look at sadness with a new found grace. Grace that was hard won through self-acceptance and time and tender relationship with Christ. As the depths of pain would wash over my soul I would usually start searching for signs of comfort and find myself unusally alone & isolated. Deep pain is the most frightening reality for all too many of us. "What to say?" As if pain needed to be bandaged and pluged instead of released. Unfortunately too many of us in the church seem to withdraw from sadness and grief. Too messy, too many unanswered questions. The looming fear of sadness is that is forces us to look to God for help.

"Please God, fill me, heal me, nurture me? Do you really know
how I feel? Can you really pour into this hole in my
heart?"

I know from experience how vulnerable it feels to look up for help when you hardly have the strenght to stand. Often times I would keep my head down looking to any type of earthly escape, anything that would demand me to prostrate myself or give up any more. The side splitting ache would not go away until I finally fell, exhausted, before the Lord. And then the sweet relief. Sometimes I was so angry at my degraded and desperate position I would scream out in frustration and anguish. In the eyes of my peers, mentors, even my congregation I felt like bleeding disfigured victim. As if my sadness was sucking away all the joy that was to be had from Christ Jesus. But in His eyes I found solace & friendship, acceptance. With or without explanation, in Christ, I found a place for my sadness. Sadness allows us to accept the emotional reality of tragedy and to own up to its consequences. There is freedom in sadness that allows us to look into our own souls and take ownership of our fragile state. It is never wrong to be strongly affected by something or someone, this is a gift from God. We are made in His image to feel even when we can do little else but cry. Now every time it rains I am reminded that sadness is a necessary part of life. Like the rain nurtures the earth and blankets it in shrouds of quiet rejuvination so do our tears.

32"When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and
saw him, she fell at his feet and said, 'Lord, if you had been here, my
brother would not have died.' 33When Jesus saw her
weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was
deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34'Where have you laid him?' he asked. 'Come and see, Lord,' they replied. ' 35Jesus wept." John 11:32-35